Why the Guys at TSA Smile When They See Me.

After my latest security incident, I’ve decided that the government is trying to secure you from me. No one is looking out for me, they are just trying to protect everyone else. I always wondered why I was the one picked from the line over and over again, now it makes sense.

This latest one nearly keep me off the plane. First I had a ton of liquids, they were over 3.4 oz., not clear, and not in a plastic bag. I just grabbed my toilettry bag without thinking. Then there was the expired license….

Apparently TSA doesn’t like people they can’t beaucratically identify, so I was upgraded to mandatory body search, luggage search, and chemical analysis. I felt pretty good about the body and luggage search, but the chemical search had me worried. I assumed that they were looking for chemicals that could be used for the creation of explosives. What could that be fuel, ammonia, fertilizer, gun powder, rocket propellent? No surprise but all the swabs they took from my luggage indicated that I was a pyro. This was indicated by a soft “beep” from analysis machinery and a more audible “oh shit” from the TSA guys. Not good……

My next lesson was this – when you hear a fat guy say “sir, I going to have to touch you in some sensitive areas, but don’t worry*, I’ll use
the back of my hand” you know several things right off the bat. Karma has officially caught up to you, you should have stayed in bed, and more critically
you shouldn’t laugh at the guy and tell him off. Eventually I did make it through security, but I had to be escorted back since they forgot to stamp my ticket indicating that I passed the examinations.

I was just reading this really boring book about computer security and found out about the “three As” of security. Authentication, authorization, and auditing.
Airport security focuses on the first two and it usually goes in the order listed. So, if you don’t get authenticated you don’t even get a chance at being authorized. Usually you’ve got to give ID to be authorized, like a driver’s license I don’t know what you use if you aren’t 16 yet. On a computer, if your password expires, then you aren’t authenticated and therefore not authorized to enter the system. Surprisingly, airport security work in a simillar but less functional way. If you’re license expires, you get felt up and your stuff rifled through…then you get authorized. I still can’t figure out what how humiliation translates into authorization, just pray that Microsoft doesn’t catch on.